To feel the sun again.  To have hope, to have my little plans I would write down on a to-do list. To be able to look at Jorja and not feel tremendous amount of guilt that I have. To make plans with friends and be excited.  To not have to run my finances over and over again to be sure I have enough to buy something special.  To be able to remember the good instead of this stabbing, burning pain. To be able to just let go of the hurt.and you hurt me beyond the point, that you hate the right to. To go a day without thinking how great jorjas life would be if I just walked away from her. To stop letting you destroy all the the happiness our daughter gives me. To be able to relax and not feel like every knock on the door will be someone to take Jorja away. To be able to put what's left of myself together and heal. To understand Yuri that you did all you denied because of yourself not me. To stop regretting telling you about Jorja in the first. To not always feel im failing Jorja simply because you claim I am. To allow to be love, love myself and find that place in the sun.

I will feel the sun again.
I will love myself and respect myself because I deserve it.
I will let go of your disappoints and know it's you who choose to that.
I will become myself but better.

Because I believe that when someone has hurt you as much as he continues to mess with me. There is always a time for revenge.  But as in everything in life even revenge runs its course

Tomorrow I'll be better.

Tomorrow I will feel the sun with so much appreciation.  Living in my little world of darkness h

way past the walking dead-lays the broken one

I haven't really updated in a while.

Summer ended, Jorja started Kindergarten. She's from what her teacher says is very smart and a good student. She is almost 6 (less than a month) she can write her first and last name, she has even started to read. She brings home a book each week that she has to read to me. Its amazing, how amazing she is.

I am sitting still, letting each day, each hour pass me by. I have never been in this place before. It is all to weird, just weird. I am not depressed in any way. Although I really should be, due to my fiances and living arrangement issues. But I am not. I am not dying of panic attacks. I am just weirdly calm. Most of the time I think to myself how everything will be ok.  And I do believe it will. I am just scared because of the issues I have going on and the lack of dealing with it on my part.

I used to have goals, even if I never really did anything to achieve them. But to me at least I had them. Now pretty much since summer I dont have any goals or desires. And that scares  
me so. I look around at the people I know, with their families, working just to get by. To pay their mortages, car payments and to feed their children. And I wonder if they are just happy with just that. Not that there is anything wrong with that. A family life was not what was in my dreams. Not saying  Jorja wasnt wanted. What I am saying, maybe its their normal life of a family, freaks me out. I dont want my life like that. I still on hang to the dream of raising Jorja in NYC, and one day soon I know it will happe But in the mean time. I need to visusliaze  and figure out what I need out of life. I am sic k of life passing me by.

This was a great blog of a new year! Please forgive me for all the typos and mistskes. I am writing this on my phone.

(The title is a song from a friends band. Esiah  was a band from Taft, Ca. They were good friends with Dan Herdia,read his blog I wrote. And the next tattoo will be with those lycis.)

Over 200 views of my blog.

Wow, really? I wonder who you are who's actually reading this. I am not a blogger, these blogs are for myself to look back and realize how much I've improved.

I took Jorja to a carnival, she had a blast. Actually rode all the big kids rides, well almost all of them. I rode the ferris wheel with her. She loved it. She made me feel safer up at the very top. Over all it was the best 40 dollars I have ever spent. This past year, hasn't been the funnest for her or me. Although I am not exactly where I want to be, we are almost there.

The 4th of July is coming up, we are so excited!!! I can't believe that next week starts Jorja's summer school day camp. I dread getting up at 8am. But it will be worth it!!

time heals, or so they say.

I for one doesn't believe that time heals all wounds. It doesn't one is just able to put the hurt behind them and move on, move on to more hurt or if we are very lucky to happiness and love.

that's all i've to write about, it's hot, like melting hot outside so Im dealing with a kid inside all day. My head hurts as well as my back.

will update later. until then. we attract like thoughts.

no title.

I took a lazy day. Even though my whole life has been pretty much lazy. But today it just felt right. I did however clean up the endless amounts of toys that I am forced to deal with, having a kid. Will it ever end?

I am struggling in life, with the positive new way to live. I am still angry, hurt and bitter. Not at great combination, giving im unemployed, bored almost all the time. It gives me a lot of things to think about, stress about, make up in my mind.

However through my blogs I have an outlet, so to say. Just a place to be anyone other than what I am, right now.

I am working on FGH. Forgiveness, Gratitude and hope. I am staying somewhat positive, oh but those negative feelings are almost always present. I just have to take a step back mentally and remind myself. Im at the bottom of the barrel of life, and there's only up to go.

And trust me, Im going up. UP.

I can say I will get my finances going, savings will get started again, I will get a better car and living arrangements. And when the time is better, we will move back to California and Jorja will have time with her father.

This I will do.

until tomorrow.

Job searching

So I didn't get the department store job. The job that I thought would change my life. That is kinda disappointing. I know had the guy who interview me didn't blow smoke up my ass, then I wouldn't be so disappointed. Everyone loves me. Except they never hire me.

Today on this very nice June Friday. I will focus on: FGH

Forgiveness: I forgive the interviewer for giving me false hope. I forgive myself for not getting that job
Gratitude: I have gratitude for even applying and being interview for the department store. I have food, shelter, car, money and the love of my child. all this will help me get through the disappointment.
Hope: I have a phone interview for unemployment and truly hope to get it. It would mean more money I could save for a car and new house. And I would be able to do fun things with Jorja.

a little thing called gratitude.

Wow Im on a roll today. Three blogs.

I've had a bad year. I can say that. Others probably wouldn't agree. I didn't get a deadly disease and die. I didn't make it on the FBI's top wanted list. My house didn't burn down, you know I know you understand. But I have a right to feel like I've had a bad year.

I can also state, I've let my emotions control my life. UH-OH. oh yeah that's right. BIG MISTAKE.

Life isn't easy or fair. People will lie and cheat. That's nothing new, but in hindsight I let the EX be the "man behind the curtain" for way too long. I let someone who had never really cared about me destroy my life.

Now with  my eyes cleared from tears. I can see that by letting the EX pull the strings, he had in fact controlled my life.

Ive said things, done things and wished things that wasn't very positive. I've made mistakes, I am sure some people won't forgive me. But then again, some people aren't worth being forgive. I for the longest time, hated my present life. I had to give up my life, my friends and everything else. While others lived their life not caring. I have struggled, really struggled raising Jorja. I worked at a horrible place, and spent a few nights crying on the way home. I worked at that job for so long that I just couldn't deal with it any longer.
I had lost about 20 pounds due to stress. I had to go without my ADHD medicine cause I couldn't afford paying daycare, rent, gas, food and clothing all on my own. Yeah, the EX pays support. But not clearly enough and I know what he makes. But he punished me and Jorja as well.

The scariest thing is when you are down to your last few bucks, you need gas and there's nothing to eat. I am fine no eating. When I stress, I am no way hungry. But just to think that your innocent child is going without food, while her father is getting thousands of dollars worth of tattoos. While I try to find a playdate at someone's house just so she could eat. Yeah just last summer that was how bad it was.

I was in denial, I thought we wouldn't get to be here that long, or the situation wouldn't have been that desperate. I mean I didn't ever have to worry about going without ever.I never had to get food stamps. Which I had to, and believe me, I am so very grateful. At least I don't have to worry about where or when Jorja will be eating. So a little stress has been lifted.

Since losing my job, I have had a few nights of freaking out. I blame the lack of my anti- anxiety. Had a few disappointing job interviews, a mix-up of unemployment drama. And yet I have never been more positive in my life.Sure the bad habit of negative thinking is a hard habit to break. I still have the negative thoughts racing through my head, daily.

I no longer think about what I had, or had to give up. I remind Jorja, that "what we used to have, we will have again" I am a creature of habit. I like to know where my money is coming from, where I will live. ect. I've always felt ok with standing still, no starting a new job for fear of it not working out. Living in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship because it was constant.

Constant in my mind now, doesn't equal happiness. Sure there will be stress. Some stress is ok, I guess. Change is never easy. But staying in life where it's constant for fear of change, never advancing in life. Isn't a productive way to life.

A example is, I am a tv addict. Because of that I wasted a lot of my life, watching useless crap, that never did anything but entertain me. We are on a budget and we no longer have tv. We do have netflix and hulu. Cheating, well not really having a five year old on summer break would be a mess without something for her to watch.  However I know we are just fine without. There was a time I thought I wouldn't be ok without cable, really. I used tv as a distraction. I do watch shows, I have found myself bored at times. But I have also found the joys of all the free books on Amazon. OH, dear sweet free self help books. That teach of positive thoughts, the joys of moving a head in life, letting go of bad relationships, ect.ect.ect.

I have been reading a lot and now have found my outlet of blogging. Cause what friends have left can only do so much. Not that im ungrateful. I just love the feeling of writing down how I feel.

I am very grateful to be alive. To have a house to live in. To have a beautiful, smart, funny little girl who I get to see become her own person. I am grateful to have a new day to start over, to try to wrong my mistakes. To understand that sometimes, just sometimes, it wasn't meant to be. To overcome the haterd I feel, the sadness goes away a little each day. I have found out through my soul searching this past year, you can't make anyone love you, you can only love yourself and move on. To understand that some people won't do the right thing even if it's for their child. I have understood, that I haven't been a "normal" person, I haven't been the happiest or the positive.I have gained the knowledge to understand I need to change for the better. I am. I truly am. Whether it's too late to mend a broken relationship, oh well. Constant moving forward means what you left behind won't matter. I look forward to a new life with positive things happening, all the time. Even at my darkest times, I always had gratitude for what I had, just really had the negative thoughts about what I did have and no longer have, to distract me from the positives.

Like I had a car a ford Focus that I was so happy with. Got in a accident and no longer have it. I moved here and got a hoopty car really cheap, that had major issues. Like I've had to pour in about 1000 this past year and I only paid 1200. Not a good purchase. But I wasn't positive and felt like I just drove that car cause I had to. In reality I was working I could've gotten a new car but the unhappiness that the car brought to me was a constant. A very bad constant that I allowed in my life. Because the past year all the thoughts I had was sadness, stress, hate. So why change it. Instead I know now, to be positive and move ahead.

I simply love, just teaching Jorja about being grateful. She's five. She knows what she had to leave behind and is a little confused why we don't have all that we used to. I remind her "what we had, we will have again"  and I teach her that we have to be positive for every little thing we have and not to worry about what we don't. I for once really believe that.