updates.

I haven't updated for awhile. Just haven't, no real reason why. I have been busy with the college stuff, I have only 2 more semesters and Im done! I have only 2 more classes this semester as well. 

I have waited way too long to buy jorja's christmas. But I have maybe three more presents to go and I am finished. I didn't get her all that I wanted to but I have her must have present so I will take that.

Other than keeping busy with school and Jorja. I am dying from the plague. seriously.

until to later, keep it real.

the time I was thankful

This is the season of thankfulness. I am thankful for a lot of things and a lot of people. Even the ones who don't deserve it!

a blog about October

So October had 4 kittens, yeah I know I am horrible cat owner I didn't get her fix, oh well. I will do this ASAP. I cannot handle another cat pregnancy. I was up several times a night to check on her. I thought she had a couple of weeks left, but 3 weeks ago I came into the closet where she was and she just had this, "look what I have done" look on her face. Sadly one of the ginger babies died. I think she was born dead because she wasn't even cleaned or anything. We named her Heaven-Shadow. There are two boy gingers, keep in mind we couldn't tell if they were female/male we just name them. Jorja's ginger kitten is named Lucky-Star and the other one is Astrid-Aphrodite-both I believe those two are males. So Astrid's name is sticking so if we keep all three we won't change Astrid's name. My kitten is the Calico and it has orange and black so she's a girl for sure I named her Odessa-Sky. It took two weeks to figure out, that their initials are  L.O.A.=law of attraction, and I so didn't plan that, in fact it took me two weeks to even realize it!  

Just one more day...just one more day..

I like to tell myself "just one more day" whenever I am dealing with unwanted, unneeded stress, which sums up the deadbeat junkie sperm donor of Jorjas. 

"Just one more day" means to me this, a day is just 24 hours of my life, about 8 are taken up with sleeping, through in working and my college work, the other hours in my day aren't that many. So if I can handle his refusal to pay child support, or call his kid, or have drug parties at his drug house where a junkie OD's, or my personal favorite him posting inappropriate things on FB about my child, his kid he's a deadbeat. Then it's just one more day....

One more day I don't have to wonder if he's going to pay child support (he's a expert summons dodger!) and he's  a junkie so no legal job there, right?!

Just one more day until I have my degree, living the life I am due. I am not going to lie, it feels amazing! I've worked hard and it will just will not be an issue if he pays or he doesn't. And to me that will be the best feeling in the world.

And if I can make it through today, staying positive working hard to the life I deserve, then it will only be just "one more day!"

it's Easter.

Easter has always been and probably alway will be my most favorite holiday. As a kid, I couldn't wait to go to my grandmother's house. She lived only like 2 blocks away and most of the time I dreaded going there, but oh no, when it came to Easter. I could.not. wait. My cousins always came into town. We didn't have a large family, my dad had a falling out with his side of the family and my grandma had only three kids. I just loved spending the day, eating and hunting eggs with my cousins. 

To this day and even before I had Jorja, I made a big deal of Easter. Today wasn't anything different. Jorja got tons of stuff hunted Easter eggs twice!

so over all a great holiday!!!

Letting go...the pathway to surrender.

I am obsessed with "self-help" books. I have like 100 of them on my kindle, no lie. Most of them are the free one's you can get from Amazon. I have a few books of the author of "the Secret" I just love any books that I feel that can help my train of thought.

I recently bought, yes bought "Letting go..the pathway to surrender" by Dr. Hawkins. Apparently he's a major force in the "positive thinking is the way to go" movement. I was skeptical to purchase this book, like I've mention I am really cheap when it comes to buying books. I read the reveiws and it was highly praised. It was cheap, so I thought, why not? 

It's a kind of book where, when started you know you're going to probably read it again to absorb it. Maybe it's just my ADHD and lack of attention, that reading books like this effects. However when I first started I knew that this was a different type of book. It doesn't just stress that thinking positive will change your life. It explains why it is a person may think negative and how to change our deeper feelings that may cancel any positive thoughts. 

I know, it sounds weird. But I can totally relate to all of this. It also explains how, bitterness, hate, fear, anxiety, sadness, guilt, apathy and depression is all connected to one's health. This explains so much. I have in the past 3 years years or so, been dealing with a eating disorder, (not because I wanted to lose weight) had ulcers, weighed 89 pounds, major sinus infections and other health issues. All this is connected to the negative energy/feeling that I was harboring because I was more into being "positive" and not dealing with those negative things.

I now know why I could be happy, positive, looking forward to the great life one week and the next week be on the sailboat to despair. I see that thinking that way wasn't really helping me out. Those negative feelings were still there because I hadn't tried to deal with them.

Although this book is amazing read I don't think it's a heal all of negative feelings. It just tries to make one realize why we are sick, and negative and how to deal with those feelings in a way that may help our lives in the long run.

Right now I am on chapter 5 so I still have a ways to go. I will update on my success as soon as I can. I am on the last week of my 3rd semester of college!!!! I am doing ok, not the result as I would like to have. If I would have applied myself more I would've been doing better however, this winter has been filled with sickness. One week Jorja would be sick, then she would give it to me and repeat. I haven't been so ill like this before. This next semester will be more interesting, since I will be taking a Psychology class and a American Literature class as well.

Until to next time, stay positive!!!   

sometimes.

Someone you know will just do something randomly, so random that it just amazes you. Amazes you that your life will be change, if not forever, for this moment. And it's all those "moments" that makes up a person's life.

There has been many times I have been amazed, majority for the worst. So many times I just focus on the bad that when something great happens, I just don't know how to react.

So for now on, I choose just to amazed and to pay it forward.

no title goes here.

Life hasn't always been easy for me. But the bigger question is, is it easy for anyone?

There's no title for this blog today, because I don't have one that goes with it. I just wanted to write a little about this and that.

I am a procrastinator, like hardcore. With that bad habit comes anxiety too. Like I need anymore of that. 

I am on semester 3 in my online college career. I take 3 classes, with those classes come 1 class discussion that is due on Thursday, with two follow-ups to two people's discussion. For the most part it's easy. I have from Monday to read three chapters and do those discussions by Thursday. Usually by Wednesday I have read half of the chapters and have half of the discussions ready to be posted. By Sunday of the same week the assignments are due. I usually have one assignment/quiz and or one assignment/lab work due by midnight. One would think since I am always home these days, more than usual I could at least have half done by Sunday, but nope. I have all day Sunday to stress, have more anxiety and something always goes wrong. Whether it's the WI-FI my neighbor is so generous to let me use isn't working and he's not home yet, to reboot it. Or I cannot find the download I need to use for the assignment.

Whatever it is, it's annoying! I hate waiting for the last moment. Right now I am bummed out because I didn't get the password for the legal website to finish the labwork. Sure I can turn it in late and get points taken off. But when will this end for me. It is such a bad habit, I see how Jorja is picking up on that bad habit. She will want to put her homework until later. I will not allow that. I may find it hard to break a bad habit, however I know it's hard. So I will not let her pick up the habit of procrastinating. 

So this week 2/2-2/9. I will read one chapter per class and finish the discussion that day. So Monday will be, reading Family Law and discussion, Tuesday will be Legal writing chapter and discussion and on Wednesday will be Eng Comp 2. 

By Thursday all will be done for the usual get together for Scandal Thursday. And start and mostly finish one assignment.
I can do this. 
I will do this.

until later. Remember, it's never too late to become all that you might've been.

sorry, this blog wasn't edited.

sometimes, just sometimes

So times I just wish I had made better decisions in life. I am aware of my act first and think about it way later. I get too emotional about things and seem not to let things go. I dislike this about myself, and I am so envious of those people who seem just to be able to put things behind them.

I feel like I am stuck in a place I don't want to be. Where I am lacking is my finances. I tend to get stressed out about my current financial issues, this will add to my anxiety and this just takes me back to my negative place. I don't want to be like this. I want change.

I recently lost my love of my college classes. I think it was due to being sick every other day added with Jorja being sick and out of school. Then probably the unwanted stress. I have all but two assignment done in this semester. My GPA went down a lot. But all I can do is do better. This is all I can do.

I will do better because I have no choice in this matter. I have learned not to rely on others, because I know how it will turn out. I want to be example to Jorja about how it's never to late. I know I can do it. Just sometimes, I get stuck in the negative thoughts I have. 
   

day 5 in the new year and...

So far it hasn't been the greatest. 

Not that it's been very horrible. 

It's just the flu has completely hit "Missworld's house". It's been such a year for us to get sick. She gets a cold then I get it and so on and so on.

Needless to say I was looking forward to Jorja going back to school. And all was great until around 1pm I got the call that she was sick throwing up. So I had to make the run and come and get her.

But she wasn't that sick and tomorrow she will be heading right back to school, while I am home with a soar throat that aches so badly I think I have Strep. 

However being sick for the past week or so has allowed me the time to get caught up on some new shows. The Good Wife, what can I say, no what cant I say?? It's the show to watch until Will Gardner gets kills, then you'll be sad but it's still great.

So this is just a short update. And yeah as if I had to spell it, I am of the ADHD meds....sorry.

New Year means a new me!

So we made it past Xmas! It was such a hit, Jorja got all the stuff she wanted and then some! I made it out without buying one Frozen toy so I consider it a win-win. I am enjoying this week I get to spend with her while she is on her vacation. We are having lots of fun playing with her Monster High Dolls and Barbies. 

I have done a lot of stuff I kept putting off this year. I am amazed that I actually followed through with it. As much as I got done, I still procrastinated way too much. I hate it, I always think I should do this or that, never do then feel guilty when it's not done. I absolutely hate that feeling. It makes me depressed and have way too much anxiety.

Everyone always has a list of things they will do on the New Year, and yeah I might have had one here or there. I never kept up with it. Don't get me wrong, I make lists all the time. Since I have ADHD I feel it benefits me more if I have a list as to not having one. I do this pretty much with everything, and sometimes I kept right on the list when I go shopping.

My New Years Resolution 
Get my B12 levels higher, so Im not sick as much.
Change my ADHD meds
Spend more time with Jorja.
Spend more date time with my love.
Exercise more, read more.
Be more positive and outgoing.

What are yours? Have you ever kept them for more than a week??

Review of Spark Energy drink.

I have ADHD-inattentive and I have decided to stop medicating myself. I had a real hard time changing from one medication to another. This summer I found myself getting really sick, dizzy and I felt like fainting a few times. So I decided not to take it any longer. As I have always done in the past I had to research other ways to deal with my issues.

I have tried, green tea pills, many cups of coffee, a herbal calm pill, a herbal focus pill and now I am trying Spark Energy Drink from Advocare.

I got this in the mail on Saturday. I ordered the strawberry-mango flavor and the shipping was really fast. In fact the delivery was scheduled for thursday. So I received it a few days sooner.

You mix a scoop in 8oz of water. Although it doesn't mix too tell, even then it's not too bad. Actually Jorja took a sip and thought it didn't taste too bad. I had previously tried the fruit punch flavor. I do not recommend it, unless you are a fan of the fruit punch juice which I am not.

The drink was very tangy. I had no problem with the taste and found myself drinking it really fast. I felt a instant rush of energy, not too jarring and soon I found myself getting energized. But not too caffeinated out. I have to say I really like drinking this drink.

does it help my ADHD, yes, not like any medications would. But it's not like any medication so therefore it's kinda better?...maybe?????

So tomorrow will be day 3 I will update more later. Right now I will say it helps me with my focus about a 6. So far so good.

updated 12/27/2014

In my opinion Spark does nothing for me, like really nothing. I get better results from RedBull. I have 1-2 daily, and actually am so mellow I go right back to sleep. I am beginning to wonder is Placebo or not, or if the reviewers that I read actually work for the company. I will not be purchasing this again.

12/14/14

As of right now I have completely finished with Xmas. Yes, you heard it right. completely done! And only 8 more presents to wrap. I had most of it done with just 2 days of online shopping. I do see a future where online shopping, (at least for major shopping) will take over actually shopping...well I can always dream about a perfect world, can't I?!

With just over 2 weeks to go in this semester. I have to say my Word Processing Class, is horrible. I have nightmares about this class. Nothing I can do, will make this class less hell-ish. This will totally bring down my GPA. I just hope, to pass it and never take it again.

So since I have Amazon prime, I started watching more tv series. Last month I watched, The Shield (not that great but I watched it all), Veronica Mars (which just watching the movie completely will save you the trouble of watching the 4 seasons) and Southland, (which wasn't that interesting). Although it seems like I watch a lot of tv, however I don't have cable so most of my entertainment is online. I am still watching my other shows each week. I have to keep busy on my days off....just counting down the days until Scandal comes back on. haha. I just love, Homeland I am dying to see how it ends, the Middle-which is Jorja's favorite and Survivor. I cannot wait to see who wins this season.

Today is my birthday, don't ask me how old I am. I stopped counting many years ago and right now I feel old. Maybe next week I won't feel as old. I didn't really do too much but set back and watch Jorja play and just be really happy to have such a great child who loves me unconditionally. 

I have to finish up this boring update. You should have known that at least one of my updates would be so not interesting.

until next time.

the new and improved MISSWORLD 2.0 the blog.

" When you take revenge on somebody, you are actually paying them the highest compliment possible. It's like saying, "You've affected my life to such an extent that I must reciprocate. I must affect your life as deeply as you have mine". Revenge may be the ultimate Hallmark card. Yeah. When you think of it like that, the cliché is true. Revenge is sweet." Augustus Hill-OZ

I haven't updated this blog, because I had planned on moving to another blogging site. However that site sucked so I decided to bring it back here. Besides these blogs that I have written here are really me. The pain and disappointment I felt at that time. I avoided it because it was such a open wound to me, to my soul that it was better to not be reminded of it daily.

Recently I had re-watched the HBO show OZ. I was bored and taking advantage of my free membership to AmzonPrime Instant Video. So the complete week that I was sick no thanks to the public school systems, I chose to watch this. Gotta tell you, even though most of the characters on the show was sociopaths some of their stories was touching and I did find myself rooting for the bad guys. The character Augustus Hill did the voice overs from season 1 to the last season 7. The theme of one show was revenge and Hill's quote about revenge being the highest compliment was true to me. 

I mean look at it this way. I for a while had looked to bring revenge on the *douchebag* who I felt fucked my life over. I just had to tell all those people, those tools, who proclaim he's so great, what a drug dealing deadbeat, cheating, lying deadbeat he really is. I need vindication I needed them to see what the truth was about him.

Why??

I honestly don't know why I had the need of shaming him. If his friends wanted to be blinded and "drink the Jacob juice" who cares, they don't mean anything to me. I guess I could say shaming him, embarrassed him a little.

Throughout the summer I started college, which I love and I have a 3.67 GPA. I found a new way to deal with my ADHD and anxiety. I found the time to work on myself.

I stopped seeking revenge. I stopped letting the asshole, who hasn't ever been good for me or to me,have the control. He was making me miserable, which in turn made me happy...I think.

Now I leave you with this,  I agree revenge is the ultimate compliment to someone but what is forgiveness to the same person who fucked you over? Forgiving someone perhaps could be you saying to them "hey asshole, yeah I know what you've done, but you will never know how upsetting it really is and how it affect me, so fucking fuck off, I forgive you" I 

To feel the sun again.  To have hope, to have my little plans I would write down on a to-do list. To be able to look at Jorja and not feel tremendous amount of guilt that I have. To make plans with friends and be excited.  To not have to run my finances over and over again to be sure I have enough to buy something special.  To be able to remember the good instead of this stabbing, burning pain. To be able to just let go of the hurt.and you hurt me beyond the point, that you hate the right to. To go a day without thinking how great jorjas life would be if I just walked away from her. To stop letting you destroy all the the happiness our daughter gives me. To be able to relax and not feel like every knock on the door will be someone to take Jorja away. To be able to put what's left of myself together and heal. To understand Yuri that you did all you denied because of yourself not me. To stop regretting telling you about Jorja in the first. To not always feel im failing Jorja simply because you claim I am. To allow to be love, love myself and find that place in the sun.

I will feel the sun again.
I will love myself and respect myself because I deserve it.
I will let go of your disappoints and know it's you who choose to that.
I will become myself but better.

Because I believe that when someone has hurt you as much as he continues to mess with me. There is always a time for revenge.  But as in everything in life even revenge runs its course

Tomorrow I'll be better.

Tomorrow I will feel the sun with so much appreciation.  Living in my little world of darkness h

way past the walking dead-lays the broken one

I haven't really updated in a while.

Summer ended, Jorja started Kindergarten. She's from what her teacher says is very smart and a good student. She is almost 6 (less than a month) she can write her first and last name, she has even started to read. She brings home a book each week that she has to read to me. Its amazing, how amazing she is.

I am sitting still, letting each day, each hour pass me by. I have never been in this place before. It is all to weird, just weird. I am not depressed in any way. Although I really should be, due to my fiances and living arrangement issues. But I am not. I am not dying of panic attacks. I am just weirdly calm. Most of the time I think to myself how everything will be ok.  And I do believe it will. I am just scared because of the issues I have going on and the lack of dealing with it on my part.

I used to have goals, even if I never really did anything to achieve them. But to me at least I had them. Now pretty much since summer I dont have any goals or desires. And that scares  
me so. I look around at the people I know, with their families, working just to get by. To pay their mortages, car payments and to feed their children. And I wonder if they are just happy with just that. Not that there is anything wrong with that. A family life was not what was in my dreams. Not saying  Jorja wasnt wanted. What I am saying, maybe its their normal life of a family, freaks me out. I dont want my life like that. I still on hang to the dream of raising Jorja in NYC, and one day soon I know it will happe But in the mean time. I need to visusliaze  and figure out what I need out of life. I am sic k of life passing me by.

This was a great blog of a new year! Please forgive me for all the typos and mistskes. I am writing this on my phone.

(The title is a song from a friends band. Esiah  was a band from Taft, Ca. They were good friends with Dan Herdia,read his blog I wrote. And the next tattoo will be with those lycis.)

Over 200 views of my blog.

Wow, really? I wonder who you are who's actually reading this. I am not a blogger, these blogs are for myself to look back and realize how much I've improved.

I took Jorja to a carnival, she had a blast. Actually rode all the big kids rides, well almost all of them. I rode the ferris wheel with her. She loved it. She made me feel safer up at the very top. Over all it was the best 40 dollars I have ever spent. This past year, hasn't been the funnest for her or me. Although I am not exactly where I want to be, we are almost there.

The 4th of July is coming up, we are so excited!!! I can't believe that next week starts Jorja's summer school day camp. I dread getting up at 8am. But it will be worth it!!

time heals, or so they say.

I for one doesn't believe that time heals all wounds. It doesn't one is just able to put the hurt behind them and move on, move on to more hurt or if we are very lucky to happiness and love.

that's all i've to write about, it's hot, like melting hot outside so Im dealing with a kid inside all day. My head hurts as well as my back.

will update later. until then. we attract like thoughts.

no title.

I took a lazy day. Even though my whole life has been pretty much lazy. But today it just felt right. I did however clean up the endless amounts of toys that I am forced to deal with, having a kid. Will it ever end?

I am struggling in life, with the positive new way to live. I am still angry, hurt and bitter. Not at great combination, giving im unemployed, bored almost all the time. It gives me a lot of things to think about, stress about, make up in my mind.

However through my blogs I have an outlet, so to say. Just a place to be anyone other than what I am, right now.

I am working on FGH. Forgiveness, Gratitude and hope. I am staying somewhat positive, oh but those negative feelings are almost always present. I just have to take a step back mentally and remind myself. Im at the bottom of the barrel of life, and there's only up to go.

And trust me, Im going up. UP.

I can say I will get my finances going, savings will get started again, I will get a better car and living arrangements. And when the time is better, we will move back to California and Jorja will have time with her father.

This I will do.

until tomorrow.

Job searching

So I didn't get the department store job. The job that I thought would change my life. That is kinda disappointing. I know had the guy who interview me didn't blow smoke up my ass, then I wouldn't be so disappointed. Everyone loves me. Except they never hire me.

Today on this very nice June Friday. I will focus on: FGH

Forgiveness: I forgive the interviewer for giving me false hope. I forgive myself for not getting that job
Gratitude: I have gratitude for even applying and being interview for the department store. I have food, shelter, car, money and the love of my child. all this will help me get through the disappointment.
Hope: I have a phone interview for unemployment and truly hope to get it. It would mean more money I could save for a car and new house. And I would be able to do fun things with Jorja.