Mother's day is just a few days away. Growing up, mothers day was celebrated by making some random plate in school with our hands on it. I can still remember being an outcast in grad school right after my mom died and how uncomfortable and weird it was. Today I would compare it with seeing your ex with his new gf, making out in front of you. Yeah, that's how I remember it felt now but sadly I wasn't the only one who didn't get to make the homemade relic for my mother. Kim's mother died that year too.
Present day, I remember when J was born, I didn't think about mday so much, the first year B.D (baby's daddy) got me a card. The 2nd year Jorja was almost a year and a half, all I wanted was a card that was home made. Did I get that, no. Not at all. I had to throw a fit just to get shitty perfume. Yeah it was Ralph Lauren. But it still sucked ass. Then BD had to blame me when his Gpa died, cause he could've went to see him that day instead of buying me shitty presents. I think that's when I realized I wasn't worth anything to him. How do you forget MDay to the mother of your child. Like I said all I wanted was a homemade card. My mother died, I didn't get to give cards or even celebrate that day for years. The last two days I just worked, nothing special, after all I wasn't worth taking 10 minutes and my child to scribble on paper for me.
No more of the ex and his bullshit. Day 3 of not calling or texting him. Maybe he will get it Im over him and the lack of wanting him in Jorja's life.
So summer here and Im out of my meds and I feel so fat, yes fat. I will not ever go without a cover up in public. I wish I could be more ok in my skin. even when I first moved here I was 97pds but I felt like 297. I've gained almost 8 back because I've been drinking soda and eating very bad food. I need my meds again just to be able to function. I need to find a job, get a life, go out to bars. Have fun be me.
Im still in pain, like the worst pain I've had for a while.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
first post, not sure how to start this.
"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."--Rose Kennedy
Im sitting here in the middle of no where. I can't sleep. I feel like I need to do to eliminate this horrible feeling I have in the middle of my heart. I have to express it some how. so I decided Im going to blog, to let it out, let someone read it that might understand why, and how I feel the way I do.
Do I start at the beginning, or the end, or now?
Well I will write what's on my mind. Sorry if I lose you, I have ADD, and not making sense is just how I roll with things in my life.
The EX, he cheated, I get it, I was a effing bitch to him. Up to a few days ago, I needed to hear that he was did, with whom and that he was sorry. Is that too much to expect? "WoW Wow Wozby" a annoying kids show that my J loves to watch all day long. Has this saying "don't lie, don't lie, don't blame the other guy". She's four but I've told her many times, like drilled it in her mind that, what ever you do, own up to it.
Would it change anything. A good friend of mine, who just has went through stuff just like I did. Was so calm, upset but calm. I was baffled, how can she not flip out when she found out that her husband, went on a date with another lady. I couldn't believe it, I was waiting for something majorly epic to go down, for her to break all his stuff, like I. To kick him out, Something. But nothing really happened, she kicked him out but, well that's it. So I asked her "omg how were you so calm about it" and she said to me, these words that will change the way I look at things forever now. "well it happened, and if I flip out and act crazy it's not going to make the fact he cheated on me go away". Wise words coming from someone I didn't expect it. If I had heard that 4 months ago, my life wouldn't been tossed and turned around.
As much as I loved, or love him. I know it's has gone well beyond the point of working on it. Not even as friends for our daughter. I just couldn't let go of the betrayal and he couldn't say he was sorry. I know he didn't really need to say anything, his actions alone proved he didn't really love me. As I sit here, knowing he doesn't love me, it's the wondering where he's at and who he's with that drives me crazy. Im getting better at not thinking about him, or hating him. If he called me right now, I would tell him I forgive him.
I don't forgive myself, I lost all control of my actions, I lost a job, a apartment, a life I liked and person I could depend on. It sucks, but such is life and maybe it took all of this insanity for me to realize, in the end it's not all about how the EX hurted me, or how mad and freaking crazy I went. It's all about my little star, my little daughter who seen the worst me and who had never should've been brought in the middle of anything that went down. I take the blame, and I will always be sorry that she had seen stuff that she should never seen. She's a good kid, and I hope the light she has will outshine any of the hateful things that happened between me and her father.
Now I must write about the EX, how does one father go weeks without talking to his kid? I get it he hates me, but geez he could call and say, "hey I don't wanna speak to you but I wanna talk to my child". So disappointing, so not like him. I worry that maybe he's doing stuff to dull the pain of not having her around. I know, I know without a doubt that he misses her. But to me, it's karma type of thing. He wasn't doing what he should be doing and cause of that he lost seeing his daughter everyday. I just didn't expect him to abandoned her. And to me that's what he did. I didn't steal her, I did what I had to do, to give her a life she needed. I couldn't do that without his help. But after all the shitty shit he said about me, I just can't see being around him. He said a lot of shit about me to everyone. Although I don't really care what people think of me as a person, but to attack my mothering with lies.. that's the worst thing you could to a mother. J is the most important thing in my life, she's the only person who truly loves me. I'm not the mother of the year, I mess up. I say things in front of her that she shouldn't say. I let her have soda and candy. But I would die for her, I would walk away if I thought I was a horrible mother. I told the EX that. I would too, I would let him have her until I got the help to make me a better mother. That wasn't good enough for him, he plotted and lied behind my back. I heard him on the phone saying "he was going to take her away from me when he was off of Cal-trans". I thought that was messed up, as always he kept me around until he could watch her.
I didn't start this blog, to complain and be negative. I just want to write about stuff going on in my life. I want to feel like I matter, like I just don't exist but there's something of my own going on. Do you understand that? maybe it doesn't make sense.
Years ago I used to have a blog, but it was before blogs were cool, and I emailed all my friends. I called them "rants" it was great. I loved it. I have no idea why I stopped doing it.
Im ending this "first post" blog. I hope it made sense but Im sure it only makes sense to me. sorry.
Im sitting here in the middle of no where. I can't sleep. I feel like I need to do to eliminate this horrible feeling I have in the middle of my heart. I have to express it some how. so I decided Im going to blog, to let it out, let someone read it that might understand why, and how I feel the way I do.
Do I start at the beginning, or the end, or now?
Well I will write what's on my mind. Sorry if I lose you, I have ADD, and not making sense is just how I roll with things in my life.
The EX, he cheated, I get it, I was a effing bitch to him. Up to a few days ago, I needed to hear that he was did, with whom and that he was sorry. Is that too much to expect? "WoW Wow Wozby" a annoying kids show that my J loves to watch all day long. Has this saying "don't lie, don't lie, don't blame the other guy". She's four but I've told her many times, like drilled it in her mind that, what ever you do, own up to it.
Would it change anything. A good friend of mine, who just has went through stuff just like I did. Was so calm, upset but calm. I was baffled, how can she not flip out when she found out that her husband, went on a date with another lady. I couldn't believe it, I was waiting for something majorly epic to go down, for her to break all his stuff, like I. To kick him out, Something. But nothing really happened, she kicked him out but, well that's it. So I asked her "omg how were you so calm about it" and she said to me, these words that will change the way I look at things forever now. "well it happened, and if I flip out and act crazy it's not going to make the fact he cheated on me go away". Wise words coming from someone I didn't expect it. If I had heard that 4 months ago, my life wouldn't been tossed and turned around.
As much as I loved, or love him. I know it's has gone well beyond the point of working on it. Not even as friends for our daughter. I just couldn't let go of the betrayal and he couldn't say he was sorry. I know he didn't really need to say anything, his actions alone proved he didn't really love me. As I sit here, knowing he doesn't love me, it's the wondering where he's at and who he's with that drives me crazy. Im getting better at not thinking about him, or hating him. If he called me right now, I would tell him I forgive him.
I don't forgive myself, I lost all control of my actions, I lost a job, a apartment, a life I liked and person I could depend on. It sucks, but such is life and maybe it took all of this insanity for me to realize, in the end it's not all about how the EX hurted me, or how mad and freaking crazy I went. It's all about my little star, my little daughter who seen the worst me and who had never should've been brought in the middle of anything that went down. I take the blame, and I will always be sorry that she had seen stuff that she should never seen. She's a good kid, and I hope the light she has will outshine any of the hateful things that happened between me and her father.
Now I must write about the EX, how does one father go weeks without talking to his kid? I get it he hates me, but geez he could call and say, "hey I don't wanna speak to you but I wanna talk to my child". So disappointing, so not like him. I worry that maybe he's doing stuff to dull the pain of not having her around. I know, I know without a doubt that he misses her. But to me, it's karma type of thing. He wasn't doing what he should be doing and cause of that he lost seeing his daughter everyday. I just didn't expect him to abandoned her. And to me that's what he did. I didn't steal her, I did what I had to do, to give her a life she needed. I couldn't do that without his help. But after all the shitty shit he said about me, I just can't see being around him. He said a lot of shit about me to everyone. Although I don't really care what people think of me as a person, but to attack my mothering with lies.. that's the worst thing you could to a mother. J is the most important thing in my life, she's the only person who truly loves me. I'm not the mother of the year, I mess up. I say things in front of her that she shouldn't say. I let her have soda and candy. But I would die for her, I would walk away if I thought I was a horrible mother. I told the EX that. I would too, I would let him have her until I got the help to make me a better mother. That wasn't good enough for him, he plotted and lied behind my back. I heard him on the phone saying "he was going to take her away from me when he was off of Cal-trans". I thought that was messed up, as always he kept me around until he could watch her.
I didn't start this blog, to complain and be negative. I just want to write about stuff going on in my life. I want to feel like I matter, like I just don't exist but there's something of my own going on. Do you understand that? maybe it doesn't make sense.
Years ago I used to have a blog, but it was before blogs were cool, and I emailed all my friends. I called them "rants" it was great. I loved it. I have no idea why I stopped doing it.
Im ending this "first post" blog. I hope it made sense but Im sure it only makes sense to me. sorry.
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