Mother's day is just a few days away. Growing up, mothers day was celebrated by making some random plate in school with our hands on it. I can still remember being an outcast in grad school right after my mom died and how uncomfortable and weird it was. Today I would compare it with seeing your ex with his new gf, making out in front of you. Yeah, that's how I remember it felt now but sadly I wasn't the only one who didn't get to make the homemade relic for my mother. Kim's mother died that year too.
Present day, I remember when J was born, I didn't think about mday so much, the first year B.D (baby's daddy) got me a card. The 2nd year Jorja was almost a year and a half, all I wanted was a card that was home made. Did I get that, no. Not at all. I had to throw a fit just to get shitty perfume. Yeah it was Ralph Lauren. But it still sucked ass. Then BD had to blame me when his Gpa died, cause he could've went to see him that day instead of buying me shitty presents. I think that's when I realized I wasn't worth anything to him. How do you forget MDay to the mother of your child. Like I said all I wanted was a homemade card. My mother died, I didn't get to give cards or even celebrate that day for years. The last two days I just worked, nothing special, after all I wasn't worth taking 10 minutes and my child to scribble on paper for me.
No more of the ex and his bullshit. Day 3 of not calling or texting him. Maybe he will get it Im over him and the lack of wanting him in Jorja's life.
So summer here and Im out of my meds and I feel so fat, yes fat. I will not ever go without a cover up in public. I wish I could be more ok in my skin. even when I first moved here I was 97pds but I felt like 297. I've gained almost 8 back because I've been drinking soda and eating very bad food. I need my meds again just to be able to function. I need to find a job, get a life, go out to bars. Have fun be me.
Im still in pain, like the worst pain I've had for a while.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
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