I for one doesn't believe that time heals all wounds. It doesn't one is just able to put the hurt behind them and move on, move on to more hurt or if we are very lucky to happiness and love.
that's all i've to write about, it's hot, like melting hot outside so Im dealing with a kid inside all day. My head hurts as well as my back.
will update later. until then. we attract like thoughts.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
no title.
I took a lazy day. Even though my whole life has been pretty much lazy. But today it just felt right. I did however clean up the endless amounts of toys that I am forced to deal with, having a kid. Will it ever end?
I am struggling in life, with the positive new way to live. I am still angry, hurt and bitter. Not at great combination, giving im unemployed, bored almost all the time. It gives me a lot of things to think about, stress about, make up in my mind.
However through my blogs I have an outlet, so to say. Just a place to be anyone other than what I am, right now.
I am working on FGH. Forgiveness, Gratitude and hope. I am staying somewhat positive, oh but those negative feelings are almost always present. I just have to take a step back mentally and remind myself. Im at the bottom of the barrel of life, and there's only up to go.
And trust me, Im going up. UP.
I can say I will get my finances going, savings will get started again, I will get a better car and living arrangements. And when the time is better, we will move back to California and Jorja will have time with her father.
This I will do.
until tomorrow.
I am struggling in life, with the positive new way to live. I am still angry, hurt and bitter. Not at great combination, giving im unemployed, bored almost all the time. It gives me a lot of things to think about, stress about, make up in my mind.
However through my blogs I have an outlet, so to say. Just a place to be anyone other than what I am, right now.
I am working on FGH. Forgiveness, Gratitude and hope. I am staying somewhat positive, oh but those negative feelings are almost always present. I just have to take a step back mentally and remind myself. Im at the bottom of the barrel of life, and there's only up to go.
And trust me, Im going up. UP.
I can say I will get my finances going, savings will get started again, I will get a better car and living arrangements. And when the time is better, we will move back to California and Jorja will have time with her father.
This I will do.
until tomorrow.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Job searching
So I didn't get the department store job. The job that I thought would change my life. That is kinda disappointing. I know had the guy who interview me didn't blow smoke up my ass, then I wouldn't be so disappointed. Everyone loves me. Except they never hire me.
Today on this very nice June Friday. I will focus on: FGH
Forgiveness: I forgive the interviewer for giving me false hope. I forgive myself for not getting that job
Gratitude: I have gratitude for even applying and being interview for the department store. I have food, shelter, car, money and the love of my child. all this will help me get through the disappointment.
Hope: I have a phone interview for unemployment and truly hope to get it. It would mean more money I could save for a car and new house. And I would be able to do fun things with Jorja.
Today on this very nice June Friday. I will focus on: FGH
Forgiveness: I forgive the interviewer for giving me false hope. I forgive myself for not getting that job
Gratitude: I have gratitude for even applying and being interview for the department store. I have food, shelter, car, money and the love of my child. all this will help me get through the disappointment.
Hope: I have a phone interview for unemployment and truly hope to get it. It would mean more money I could save for a car and new house. And I would be able to do fun things with Jorja.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
a little thing called gratitude.
Wow Im on a roll today. Three blogs.
I've had a bad year. I can say that. Others probably wouldn't agree. I didn't get a deadly disease and die. I didn't make it on the FBI's top wanted list. My house didn't burn down, you know I know you understand. But I have a right to feel like I've had a bad year.
I can also state, I've let my emotions control my life. UH-OH. oh yeah that's right. BIG MISTAKE.
Life isn't easy or fair. People will lie and cheat. That's nothing new, but in hindsight I let the EX be the "man behind the curtain" for way too long. I let someone who had never really cared about me destroy my life.
Now with my eyes cleared from tears. I can see that by letting the EX pull the strings, he had in fact controlled my life.
Ive said things, done things and wished things that wasn't very positive. I've made mistakes, I am sure some people won't forgive me. But then again, some people aren't worth being forgive. I for the longest time, hated my present life. I had to give up my life, my friends and everything else. While others lived their life not caring. I have struggled, really struggled raising Jorja. I worked at a horrible place, and spent a few nights crying on the way home. I worked at that job for so long that I just couldn't deal with it any longer.
I had lost about 20 pounds due to stress. I had to go without my ADHD medicine cause I couldn't afford paying daycare, rent, gas, food and clothing all on my own. Yeah, the EX pays support. But not clearly enough and I know what he makes. But he punished me and Jorja as well.
The scariest thing is when you are down to your last few bucks, you need gas and there's nothing to eat. I am fine no eating. When I stress, I am no way hungry. But just to think that your innocent child is going without food, while her father is getting thousands of dollars worth of tattoos. While I try to find a playdate at someone's house just so she could eat. Yeah just last summer that was how bad it was.
I was in denial, I thought we wouldn't get to be here that long, or the situation wouldn't have been that desperate. I mean I didn't ever have to worry about going without ever.I never had to get food stamps. Which I had to, and believe me, I am so very grateful. At least I don't have to worry about where or when Jorja will be eating. So a little stress has been lifted.
Since losing my job, I have had a few nights of freaking out. I blame the lack of my anti- anxiety. Had a few disappointing job interviews, a mix-up of unemployment drama. And yet I have never been more positive in my life.Sure the bad habit of negative thinking is a hard habit to break. I still have the negative thoughts racing through my head, daily.
I no longer think about what I had, or had to give up. I remind Jorja, that "what we used to have, we will have again" I am a creature of habit. I like to know where my money is coming from, where I will live. ect. I've always felt ok with standing still, no starting a new job for fear of it not working out. Living in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship because it was constant.
Constant in my mind now, doesn't equal happiness. Sure there will be stress. Some stress is ok, I guess. Change is never easy. But staying in life where it's constant for fear of change, never advancing in life. Isn't a productive way to life.
A example is, I am a tv addict. Because of that I wasted a lot of my life, watching useless crap, that never did anything but entertain me. We are on a budget and we no longer have tv. We do have netflix and hulu. Cheating, well not really having a five year old on summer break would be a mess without something for her to watch. However I know we are just fine without. There was a time I thought I wouldn't be ok without cable, really. I used tv as a distraction. I do watch shows, I have found myself bored at times. But I have also found the joys of all the free books on Amazon. OH, dear sweet free self help books. That teach of positive thoughts, the joys of moving a head in life, letting go of bad relationships, ect.ect.ect.
I have been reading a lot and now have found my outlet of blogging. Cause what friends have left can only do so much. Not that im ungrateful. I just love the feeling of writing down how I feel.
I am very grateful to be alive. To have a house to live in. To have a beautiful, smart, funny little girl who I get to see become her own person. I am grateful to have a new day to start over, to try to wrong my mistakes. To understand that sometimes, just sometimes, it wasn't meant to be. To overcome the haterd I feel, the sadness goes away a little each day. I have found out through my soul searching this past year, you can't make anyone love you, you can only love yourself and move on. To understand that some people won't do the right thing even if it's for their child. I have understood, that I haven't been a "normal" person, I haven't been the happiest or the positive.I have gained the knowledge to understand I need to change for the better. I am. I truly am. Whether it's too late to mend a broken relationship, oh well. Constant moving forward means what you left behind won't matter. I look forward to a new life with positive things happening, all the time. Even at my darkest times, I always had gratitude for what I had, just really had the negative thoughts about what I did have and no longer have, to distract me from the positives.
Like I had a car a ford Focus that I was so happy with. Got in a accident and no longer have it. I moved here and got a hoopty car really cheap, that had major issues. Like I've had to pour in about 1000 this past year and I only paid 1200. Not a good purchase. But I wasn't positive and felt like I just drove that car cause I had to. In reality I was working I could've gotten a new car but the unhappiness that the car brought to me was a constant. A very bad constant that I allowed in my life. Because the past year all the thoughts I had was sadness, stress, hate. So why change it. Instead I know now, to be positive and move ahead.
I simply love, just teaching Jorja about being grateful. She's five. She knows what she had to leave behind and is a little confused why we don't have all that we used to. I remind her "what we had, we will have again" and I teach her that we have to be positive for every little thing we have and not to worry about what we don't. I for once really believe that.
I've had a bad year. I can say that. Others probably wouldn't agree. I didn't get a deadly disease and die. I didn't make it on the FBI's top wanted list. My house didn't burn down, you know I know you understand. But I have a right to feel like I've had a bad year.
I can also state, I've let my emotions control my life. UH-OH. oh yeah that's right. BIG MISTAKE.
Life isn't easy or fair. People will lie and cheat. That's nothing new, but in hindsight I let the EX be the "man behind the curtain" for way too long. I let someone who had never really cared about me destroy my life.
Now with my eyes cleared from tears. I can see that by letting the EX pull the strings, he had in fact controlled my life.
Ive said things, done things and wished things that wasn't very positive. I've made mistakes, I am sure some people won't forgive me. But then again, some people aren't worth being forgive. I for the longest time, hated my present life. I had to give up my life, my friends and everything else. While others lived their life not caring. I have struggled, really struggled raising Jorja. I worked at a horrible place, and spent a few nights crying on the way home. I worked at that job for so long that I just couldn't deal with it any longer.
I had lost about 20 pounds due to stress. I had to go without my ADHD medicine cause I couldn't afford paying daycare, rent, gas, food and clothing all on my own. Yeah, the EX pays support. But not clearly enough and I know what he makes. But he punished me and Jorja as well.
The scariest thing is when you are down to your last few bucks, you need gas and there's nothing to eat. I am fine no eating. When I stress, I am no way hungry. But just to think that your innocent child is going without food, while her father is getting thousands of dollars worth of tattoos. While I try to find a playdate at someone's house just so she could eat. Yeah just last summer that was how bad it was.
I was in denial, I thought we wouldn't get to be here that long, or the situation wouldn't have been that desperate. I mean I didn't ever have to worry about going without ever.I never had to get food stamps. Which I had to, and believe me, I am so very grateful. At least I don't have to worry about where or when Jorja will be eating. So a little stress has been lifted.
Since losing my job, I have had a few nights of freaking out. I blame the lack of my anti- anxiety. Had a few disappointing job interviews, a mix-up of unemployment drama. And yet I have never been more positive in my life.Sure the bad habit of negative thinking is a hard habit to break. I still have the negative thoughts racing through my head, daily.
I no longer think about what I had, or had to give up. I remind Jorja, that "what we used to have, we will have again" I am a creature of habit. I like to know where my money is coming from, where I will live. ect. I've always felt ok with standing still, no starting a new job for fear of it not working out. Living in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship because it was constant.
Constant in my mind now, doesn't equal happiness. Sure there will be stress. Some stress is ok, I guess. Change is never easy. But staying in life where it's constant for fear of change, never advancing in life. Isn't a productive way to life.
A example is, I am a tv addict. Because of that I wasted a lot of my life, watching useless crap, that never did anything but entertain me. We are on a budget and we no longer have tv. We do have netflix and hulu. Cheating, well not really having a five year old on summer break would be a mess without something for her to watch. However I know we are just fine without. There was a time I thought I wouldn't be ok without cable, really. I used tv as a distraction. I do watch shows, I have found myself bored at times. But I have also found the joys of all the free books on Amazon. OH, dear sweet free self help books. That teach of positive thoughts, the joys of moving a head in life, letting go of bad relationships, ect.ect.ect.
I have been reading a lot and now have found my outlet of blogging. Cause what friends have left can only do so much. Not that im ungrateful. I just love the feeling of writing down how I feel.
I am very grateful to be alive. To have a house to live in. To have a beautiful, smart, funny little girl who I get to see become her own person. I am grateful to have a new day to start over, to try to wrong my mistakes. To understand that sometimes, just sometimes, it wasn't meant to be. To overcome the haterd I feel, the sadness goes away a little each day. I have found out through my soul searching this past year, you can't make anyone love you, you can only love yourself and move on. To understand that some people won't do the right thing even if it's for their child. I have understood, that I haven't been a "normal" person, I haven't been the happiest or the positive.I have gained the knowledge to understand I need to change for the better. I am. I truly am. Whether it's too late to mend a broken relationship, oh well. Constant moving forward means what you left behind won't matter. I look forward to a new life with positive things happening, all the time. Even at my darkest times, I always had gratitude for what I had, just really had the negative thoughts about what I did have and no longer have, to distract me from the positives.
Like I had a car a ford Focus that I was so happy with. Got in a accident and no longer have it. I moved here and got a hoopty car really cheap, that had major issues. Like I've had to pour in about 1000 this past year and I only paid 1200. Not a good purchase. But I wasn't positive and felt like I just drove that car cause I had to. In reality I was working I could've gotten a new car but the unhappiness that the car brought to me was a constant. A very bad constant that I allowed in my life. Because the past year all the thoughts I had was sadness, stress, hate. So why change it. Instead I know now, to be positive and move ahead.
I simply love, just teaching Jorja about being grateful. She's five. She knows what she had to leave behind and is a little confused why we don't have all that we used to. I remind her "what we had, we will have again" and I teach her that we have to be positive for every little thing we have and not to worry about what we don't. I for once really believe that.
the one with Dan Herdia in it.
Wait, what 2 blogs on one day?!! oh yeah, it is.
Dan was a twenty something guy, who in the end broke my heart. Really broke my heart like no one has ever done before or since. He will always be known as the one who got away.
It was 2001 and just to fix the mix up in the "Lisa" blog I met her in 2001ish. And it was a typical Friday night when I got a call from Dino the guy who used to be in Fear Factory. Yes,that Dino. I used to know famous people. ha. Anyway, he called to say they were having a bday party at Bordners for some real famous producer named John. His last name has long since been forgotten. Dino and his girlfriend were going and since I hadn't nothing better to do, so did I. Jason Miller from Godhead was friends with Dan and we were soon introduced.
It wasn't a shock that I was drunk and soon before the end of the night, Dan and I were hard core making out. He wasn't my type at the time. Meaning he wasn't in a band, not tattoo or anything. Like maybe I hadn't mentioned before when I drink my standards go lower and lower.
Nothing happened that night but a beginning of a good friendship. I loved Dan. To me our friendship was like two senior citizens in nursing homes. Who don't have anyone else but themselves. We never made out after that, never taking it to 3 base.
Dan to me was my moon to my sun, my ice to my soda. We spoke every single day. I called him at 6am, to cry I didn't know where I was at when I had passed out in a strange car and was freezing. We had a friendship as I hadn't ever had before or since. As previous blogs stated, I truly believe that the universe brings you the friendships you are meant to have at that very time in life.
We went to shows, he was a huge fan of Mike Patton. One show Jason Miller had arranged it that we go back stage and meet the famous Mike Patton. Which I am quite sure that time has never escape his mind. I called him while visiting NYC just to say I was at the statue of Liberty. We had movie and dinner night every week. It wasn't perfect, we fought a lot. I found myself jealous when he started hanging out with my friend Morgan.
We made plans that when we were 40 and not married. We would marry.
Then as everyone in my life has.
He left. He got a good job in China. And I was left heartbroken. There wasn't any "happy josie dates" no more concerts. And when Jorja was about 1. I found his email address and wrote him to say I had a daughter and he was like.Good to know. It didn't hurt that he never asked how I was, or even ask anything about Jorja. He treated it like I was someone off of myspace that he spoke with here and there.
I wasn't shocked, well maybe I was. I hadn't sit down to think what I expected from the conversation. Did I think we would be great friends again. No. But I didn't think it would be so cold.
Maybe our friendship ended so bad. I know it did. I was so hurt, even after what happen with my EX, I can honestly say the ending of Dan and I friendship was 2nd most upsetting experience I have went through, besides losing my mother.
It took years just to think about him. I found out through mutual friends he has married a girl from China and is still living there.
I wonder if I ever cross his mind.
Dan was a twenty something guy, who in the end broke my heart. Really broke my heart like no one has ever done before or since. He will always be known as the one who got away.
It was 2001 and just to fix the mix up in the "Lisa" blog I met her in 2001ish. And it was a typical Friday night when I got a call from Dino the guy who used to be in Fear Factory. Yes,that Dino. I used to know famous people. ha. Anyway, he called to say they were having a bday party at Bordners for some real famous producer named John. His last name has long since been forgotten. Dino and his girlfriend were going and since I hadn't nothing better to do, so did I. Jason Miller from Godhead was friends with Dan and we were soon introduced.
It wasn't a shock that I was drunk and soon before the end of the night, Dan and I were hard core making out. He wasn't my type at the time. Meaning he wasn't in a band, not tattoo or anything. Like maybe I hadn't mentioned before when I drink my standards go lower and lower.
Nothing happened that night but a beginning of a good friendship. I loved Dan. To me our friendship was like two senior citizens in nursing homes. Who don't have anyone else but themselves. We never made out after that, never taking it to 3 base.
Dan to me was my moon to my sun, my ice to my soda. We spoke every single day. I called him at 6am, to cry I didn't know where I was at when I had passed out in a strange car and was freezing. We had a friendship as I hadn't ever had before or since. As previous blogs stated, I truly believe that the universe brings you the friendships you are meant to have at that very time in life.
We went to shows, he was a huge fan of Mike Patton. One show Jason Miller had arranged it that we go back stage and meet the famous Mike Patton. Which I am quite sure that time has never escape his mind. I called him while visiting NYC just to say I was at the statue of Liberty. We had movie and dinner night every week. It wasn't perfect, we fought a lot. I found myself jealous when he started hanging out with my friend Morgan.
We made plans that when we were 40 and not married. We would marry.
Then as everyone in my life has.
He left. He got a good job in China. And I was left heartbroken. There wasn't any "happy josie dates" no more concerts. And when Jorja was about 1. I found his email address and wrote him to say I had a daughter and he was like.Good to know. It didn't hurt that he never asked how I was, or even ask anything about Jorja. He treated it like I was someone off of myspace that he spoke with here and there.
I wasn't shocked, well maybe I was. I hadn't sit down to think what I expected from the conversation. Did I think we would be great friends again. No. But I didn't think it would be so cold.
Maybe our friendship ended so bad. I know it did. I was so hurt, even after what happen with my EX, I can honestly say the ending of Dan and I friendship was 2nd most upsetting experience I have went through, besides losing my mother.
It took years just to think about him. I found out through mutual friends he has married a girl from China and is still living there.
I wonder if I ever cross his mind.
Lisa
This is my part of the blog where I write about my friends who have impacted my life.
I met Lisa about 2003ish. She was friends with Jason Miller, from Godhead and he and I had a mutual friend (Dan, that I will no doubt blog about later). She was a very tiny cute goth girl. With big blue eyes and long dark beautiful straight hair. She was adorable.
You gotta to understand that this was a part of my life that I now refer to my Courtney Love life. Cause I was behaving, yes as Courtney Love would. Meaning, I was drunk much of the time I was out at Bars.
Lisa and I liked most of the same type of music. From what I remember she was really into Ours. Which later and even now I still love. We always went on most Wednesdays to the Dragonfly "pretty ugly club" hosted by JD and Taime Down. Lisa really liked shows and between her, me and Dan. I don't think we ever missed a band play.
I was close with Lisa, although I will admit we had a few drunk fights, like the one night where we both got kicked out the King-King for fighting. However there was a huge part of Lisa that was closed off, like there was a secret she didn't want anyone, maybe herself to know. If that makes since. I for that matter got really good with putting those things that hurt too much away, never thinking about them. Knowing that I really needed to seek someone to help me coupe with them. For me, those unattended denial of "issues" has literally destroyed my life. Pushed those people I loved, who loved me out of my life. Ah, but that is just a blog update for another time...back to Lisa.
I was close with Lisa, but not really. Soon she started dating the drummer of Marilyn Manson and
I guess that's where our story ended. Soon it went from.. I have a good friend name Lisa to running into Lisa last year at work to tell her I had a four year old.
I really wish I knew what went wrong, if anything. We didn't have a huge blow up fight. Maybe that would've been better at least I could walk away knowing why.
It has always been my belief that when we meet people, crossed paths and became friends it's sorta fate. That the universe is saying "hey you, you need that person in your life-right at this moment." So as I write this, I truly believe that Lisa and I was were brought together by chance.
We had a lot of drunkish fun, a lot of fights over stupid things as boys. She understood me more than anyone. I guess in away we both were damaged and she knew and I knew that's just how it was.
She's been on my mind a lot. I guess when I moved here I left my old life there as well my friends. I always thought we would hang out again. But maybe she and I got all we were going to get from our friendships and just moved on.
I hope she's happy. I hope so many good things for my friend. Who has helped me and inpacted my life more than she will ever. Lisa if you are reading this, you are loved, remembered and oh so missed.
I met Lisa about 2003ish. She was friends with Jason Miller, from Godhead and he and I had a mutual friend (Dan, that I will no doubt blog about later). She was a very tiny cute goth girl. With big blue eyes and long dark beautiful straight hair. She was adorable.
You gotta to understand that this was a part of my life that I now refer to my Courtney Love life. Cause I was behaving, yes as Courtney Love would. Meaning, I was drunk much of the time I was out at Bars.
Lisa and I liked most of the same type of music. From what I remember she was really into Ours. Which later and even now I still love. We always went on most Wednesdays to the Dragonfly "pretty ugly club" hosted by JD and Taime Down. Lisa really liked shows and between her, me and Dan. I don't think we ever missed a band play.
I was close with Lisa, although I will admit we had a few drunk fights, like the one night where we both got kicked out the King-King for fighting. However there was a huge part of Lisa that was closed off, like there was a secret she didn't want anyone, maybe herself to know. If that makes since. I for that matter got really good with putting those things that hurt too much away, never thinking about them. Knowing that I really needed to seek someone to help me coupe with them. For me, those unattended denial of "issues" has literally destroyed my life. Pushed those people I loved, who loved me out of my life. Ah, but that is just a blog update for another time...back to Lisa.
I was close with Lisa, but not really. Soon she started dating the drummer of Marilyn Manson and
I guess that's where our story ended. Soon it went from.. I have a good friend name Lisa to running into Lisa last year at work to tell her I had a four year old.
I really wish I knew what went wrong, if anything. We didn't have a huge blow up fight. Maybe that would've been better at least I could walk away knowing why.
It has always been my belief that when we meet people, crossed paths and became friends it's sorta fate. That the universe is saying "hey you, you need that person in your life-right at this moment." So as I write this, I truly believe that Lisa and I was were brought together by chance.
We had a lot of drunkish fun, a lot of fights over stupid things as boys. She understood me more than anyone. I guess in away we both were damaged and she knew and I knew that's just how it was.
She's been on my mind a lot. I guess when I moved here I left my old life there as well my friends. I always thought we would hang out again. But maybe she and I got all we were going to get from our friendships and just moved on.
I hope she's happy. I hope so many good things for my friend. Who has helped me and inpacted my life more than she will ever. Lisa if you are reading this, you are loved, remembered and oh so missed.
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